06 April 2013

“Confessions of a blogger… Movie review/Spoilers/Why Tyler Perry?"

Sweet southern girl swayed away from her Christian upbringing by the Devil disguised as a social media mogul, fast cars, cheating, HIV, secrets & Kim Kardashian in tight dresses with a bad attitude (and bad acting).

If for some odd reason, this doesn’t sound like your life, it’s because it’s no one’s life, it’s the plot of Tyler Perry’s latest movie: “Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor”. Shall we proceed?... Yes indeed!

Disclaimer:
1.  I am a “spiritual” “non-religious” sinner and I make fun of religion every chance I get, if you cant handle that…leave.
2.  I am going to dissect the shit out of this movie, if you cant handle that...leave.

Okay, now that it’s just the two of us, let’s dish.

Backstory:
You may or may not know that this movie has been in the works for well over a year now. In case you don’t know, there was a bit of controversy over Mr. Perry choosing to cast the lovely & ever so stacked Kim Kardashian in a movie about marriage counselors.
In case you’ve spent the last few years living under a rock deep in the Earth’s crust where Mrs. KDash-Humpries doesn’t make “celebrity appearances”, Kim Kardashian is an attractive, Armenian-American, celebutant, turned stylist, beauty industry mogul, sextape leading lady, actress, model, reality star whose claim to fame was her sextape with singer Brandy Norwood’s younger brother Ray-J. Kim carved out her space in Hollywood, semi-escaped her “Kim Kardashian Superstar” past, landed her entire family a slew of reality shows, met, married & separated from nobody NBA player Kris Humphries (in 72 days after having a $10 million wedding), you all caught up? Okay, good, we can get back to the movie.
The media slammed Perry for casting Kim in the movie, then titled: “The Marriage Counselor”, nearly days after word got out that Kim & Kris were no more. (Mind you, I cannot get a refund on the “Kim & Kris Forever” t-shirts I had printed, although I was promised a 90-day return policy, but I digress.)

Plot:
“Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor” stars Jurnee Smollett, Lance Gross, Brandy Norwood, Vanessa Williams, Kim Kardashian & some really handsome, baldheaded, no name, young Black actor. The story is based on Judith (Smollett), a 26 year-old woman from the South who marries her childhood sweetheart, migrates North and begins experiencing an existential crisis. Shortly after moving to DC with her husband, she begins working as a staff therapist who formulates compatibility surveys for clients at a millionaire matchmaking service. When she starts feeling like her marriage to Bryce (Gross) & her career are at a standstill; Judith meets Harley (really handsome, baldheaded, no name, young Black actor) who is the “3rd largest media inventor since Zuckerberg”. Harley sweeps the sweet, smart, country girl out of her loafers and into Manolo’s by seducing her with his extravagant lifestyle. The movie chronicles the rise and fall of Judith from good Christian girl, to sinner at the well-manicured hands of Harley.

Fallacies:
You know what the Bible says: “If they won’t go to church, bring the church to them.” I’m lying, I have no idea what the bible says, you know who does?... Tyler Perry. Now if you haven’t seen any of Mr. Perry’s plays or his movies, it’s because you’re a Spike Lee fan & you live your life trying to do the right thing (you see what I did there?) anyway… Tyler Perry is a man who started out producing and starring in plays geared toward Christian audiences. (I can’t give you his backstory, I’m sure you’re tired of reading already and I don’t want to lose you, so click this: Tyler Perry) His roots in the church always seem to blossom into these really religious cautionary tales on film. In “Confessions: Temptations of a something or other” Mr. Perry seems to think that if a woman is unhappy with a husband who forgets her birthday, only has sex with her in bed who also watches football and ignores her; it will result in a number of things. Shall we go over them? (That is why you’re here right?)

If you’re unhappy in your marriage you will:
·     Meet a billionaire
·     Leave your husband
·     Disrespect your mother (You know that’s a no-no)
·     Ruin your life
·     Snort cocaine
·     Drink copious amounts of red wine
·     Lose your job
·     Be physically abused & left in a bathtub to die
·     Contract HIV
·     Get fat
·     End up alone

Moral of the Story:
The moral of the story is: Go to church with your Momma if you love her, cook for your man, give him sex 3 times a week, if you’re unhappy; don’t leave because it’s a scary world out there, if you show up to work & Kim Kardashian is there… call out sick because if you don’t, you’re bound to end up in some shit you can’t get yourself out of. Lastly, if you’re an actor & you don’t want people laughing at the really serious movie you just did as they leave the theater, tell your agent that you WILL NOT accept a Tyler Perry script until you’ve run out of options.

Honorable mention: Kim Kardashian is now carrying the seed of rapper Kanye West, clearly, you can live your fairytale in spite of being hit over the head with scriptures everytime you give Tyler Perry a try because you didn’t see Madea in the trailer.

Amen!


Sound off! Did you like the movie? Do you think Tyler Perry is doing too much by imposing his faith on moviegoers? Know someone who has been in a similar situation?

3 comments:

  1. Great article and so true. Tyler has a tendency to make you feel like if you skip church you'll die a slow & painful death at the hands of a handsome man.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I didnt see the movie but this whole article was hilarious LOL I love your interpretation of Tyler Perry movies!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for reading.
      Thank you for your input.

      Delete

Sound off!