40 Days & 40 Nights (Updated)

I AM GIVING UP SEX FOR LENT

*Pause for applause*

After talking to my best friend about lent. (She's giving up the love of her life: Mary Jane)
She asked what I was giving up for lent, I laughed, said "The same thing I gave up last year... nothing."
We shared a laugh, continued our conversation about everything else, eventually said Goodnight and hung up.

Fast forward a few hours, I'm obsessively watching the facebook page of "Big" after seeing him befriend yet another idiot stick figure with no soul who he's sleeping with, texting him that "we cant be friends anymore", because my feelings are hurt knowing I spent all of Saturday evening being overly affectionate with him & all of Sunday morning having sex with him in some random Harlem hotel. I spent the remainder of the evening responding, via text, to sexual advances & random flirtation from men whom I've either already had a sexual encounter or was well aware of their desire to have sex with me. 

I woke up this morning & in very dramatic fashion sent my best friend a text proclaiming:

"Sex. I'm giving up sex for lent. It just came to me, like a lightbulb went off in my head. I've been complaining about sex, being unfulfilled, feeling used & more. It makes perfect sense."

Her response: "Wow"

She knows me well, she knows that me giving up sex is pretty damn close to Christ being in the desert with no water.

How Do I Put This Nicely? Pt.II (Man Edition)

As you know... March is "Man Month" on Bitchy & Beautiful
So this edition of "How Do I Put This Nicely, is from the guys for the girls...

Here is a list of the 5 difficult things men want to tell women and some tactful/creative ways to break it to them: (With input from Bitchy & Beautiful Male Readers)

.I.

PROBLEM: You think she might've been a hoe in a former life.

WRONG: "You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife."

RIGHT: "I'd prefer not to dwell on your past, lets get tested & get it poppin."

Ok, I don’t know if people really say "get it poppin" like that anymore but if you only care that she has a clean bill of health; get tested together, wait out the window period & commence to fuckin.

Big Johnson says... “Everyone has a history! If u deal with people based on past acts you'd never meet anyone.”

Truth in Lies says:  “The only thing that I don't want to hear about a woman's sexual history is how good another man was.”

Case & Point ladies, have a convo with him, get to know him and if you have a "colorful past" like adventurous bloggers *clears throat* either tell him your "body count" upfront, or tactfully decline to answer the question. After all, every man wants you to fuck like a pornstar without having slept with more than one man. He'll get over it.

.II.

PROBLEM: You're not interested in her. 

WRONG: "You're wack!"

RIGHT: "Relationships & dating aren't at the top of my list of priorities."

(Girls) Regardless of how he says it... you've been dumped. (Read this: Dumped or this: Not into You)

(Guys) Don't expect her to read your mind, if you can't say it nicely but it needs to be said, say it, get it over with & accept that she will always tell her friends you had a small dick. (We don’t admit when we’ve been dumped.)

According to Roe E. the best ways to tell if a man isn't interested in you are:

• Doesn't want to spend time with her. 
• Doesn't ask how things are going in her life. 
• Doesn't show her affection like he used to. 
• Doesn't care about the problems going on in her life.

Honorable Mention: “If I'm not initiating contact, I'm not into her.”-Big Johnson

.III.

PROBLEM: You! (You and your ways are his problem)

WRONG: Indirect, snide remarks.

RIGHT: Say it like you mean it.

When asked: "What are some things you've wanted to say to women but didn't know how to say it nicely?"

Big Johnson said: "That I want some head and just some head"

The God 42 said: "You are a bum and why you still living at home and you go out clubbing and have mad kids. Get your priorities straight."

Roe E. said: "Wear less make-up. Be more natural. Don't follow trends. Be more original. Be comfortable with who you are. Be happy. Be healthy."

.IV.

PROBLEM: You think she might've been a hoe in a former life

WRONG: "Did you have sex with...?"

RIGHT: ...

(Girls) Now, I know I addressed this as number one, but there are men who want to know a number or at least a ballpark or if the amount of men you've slept with can fill a ballpark.

(Guys) I struggled coming up with a "right" way to ask a woman how many men she's slept with, so you're on your own... but thanks to Guy Code: Decoded, here's a little insight into how to ask & what number is an acceptable answer.

"Only an insecure man asks that question". -Big Johnson

"In all reality probably 8-10"- Truth in Lies

"3 to 5"- The God 42

"I would say the number should be somewhere between a handful and no more than 2-3 times the number of years that she has been begun puberty. For example if she’s begun puberty 10 years ago, 30 is probably a somewhat high number. But it's all circumstantial. Everybody goes through phases in their lives that may lead to higher promiscuity than average."- Roe E.

*Gotta love Roe E for the equation.

.V.

PROBLEM: You don't love her.

WRONG: "Bitch, I dont luh you."

RIGHT: "Wow, I'm flattered that you feel that way, but I'm not ready to reciprocate that."

(Guys) Guard your faces, groin, car & anything else you value because if she doesn't burst into tears, she's going to break everything you do love.

This is another one of those things you need to tell someone that you just cant say in a "nice" way. If you don't love a woman... DO NOT tell her you love her. You're just setting yourself up for a lot of shit you cant handle in the long run. Nip that bitch in the bud.

(Girls) Don’t ask a million questions, wipe your tears & decide what you’re going to do. Do you want to stay with him, or do you want to leave?

You know the drill: SOUND OFF! Whose opinions do you agree with? Which contributor do you think is a complete idiot? I'd like to know if you can guess the relationship status of each contributor. Did I leave anything out? Ladies, what would you want to hear? Fellas? What are your thoughts? Comment. Subscribe & Share.

March 14th-Steak & a BJ Day

Finally, guys a day just for you. Valentine's Day is a day where you have to spend money on stupid shit to give to women for whom you have lukewarm feelings. Roses, Candy, Jewelry, Bears, Edible Arrangements... Today is your day and all you need is 2 things! A well cooked steak and mind-blowing BJ!

You're a man, you dont care about the origin of the holiday... you dont need to know why it came about. You're not gonna ask why she's making you a steak and blowing you. You're going to close your eyes, chew & thank your lucky stars.

Here you can find a few easy recipes to share with your woman and a few tips she can use to give you a BJ meant for the king that you are.

BLOW JOB 101

(NSFW)BLOW LIKE A PRO(NSFW)

The most important thing for you is finding your comfort zone and an anatomy refresher course.

Generally, the most sensitive parts of a man’s package are:

• The head—the smooth, round part at the top.
• The frenulum—the cute little flap on the underside of the head. It’s similar to the little flappy thing under your tongue, only smaller.
• The perineum—the area between the balls and the butt.
• The balls.

What follows is how to rock a man’s world without going deep throat (That requires an entirely different tutorial). It’s certainly not the only way to give head. It may not be the best way. And it might not even be a good way if your guy likes different techniques used.

Whats Your Number? Pt. I

So you're lying in bed with your significant other after months of bliss & (s)he asks... "How many people have you slept with?"

What do you say?
How do you answer?
The real question is... Do you share such an intimate detail of your life?

Well... in case you dont know me, I am all about honesty! But we'll get back to that ;)

According to folklore you have to multiply the number a woman tells you by 4.

But... what if she's honest with you? What if she's been with more men than you've been with women?

When women sleep with a lot of men, they're called sluts! When men sleep with a lot of men, they're called "experienced", "romantic" & "good kissers". Why the double standard?

Men want their woman to be their whore, mother, wife, friend, teacher & everything else!...
How can she cook you a good meal if she's never been in the kitchen?...

Subscribe & follow my "What's Your Number?" series to find out how to answer the scariest question your partner could ask.

Bedside Manner: How To Have A One Night Stand

A friend of mine said she was going to have a one night stand but she wanted to do it just to say she did it. Now, I'm all for sexual liberation but when you're doing something sexually for the wrong reasons, there isn't quite as much gratification as when you do it because it turns you on. Either way, here is how to have a one night stand & walk away with your dignity intact.

DISCLAIMER: IT IS MY PERSONAL OPINION THAT NO WOMAN UNDER THE AGE OF 23 SHOULD HAVE A ONE NIGHT STAND. ALL WOMEN SHOULD USE PROTECTION DURING ALL SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS.

1. DO NOT choose to have a one night stand with someone you have any kind of relationship with (i.e. ex boyfriend, friend of a friend, co-worker, etc).
Why?: Because the thrill of a one night stand lies in the fact that you'll (potentially) never see this person again... sleeping with an ex opens old wounds and a co-worker makes for some very awkward Monday morning meetings. Go somewhere that isn't in your usual list of places to hang out, chat with, pick up a hottie and make your way to your location.

2. DO NOT bring him to your house. Either go to a hotel or go to his place.
Why?: If you're not the girl who is comfortable kicking a guy out after sex, letting him come to your place is just asking for a sleepover which can get really weird, really fast. If you go to his place or a hotel, it'll blow his mind when you're all done and all gone.

3. DO NOT exchange phone numbers, BBM's, email addresses, etc!!!
Why?: You had casual, meaningless sex... What the hell is there to talk or text about? The only reason to keep open the lines of communication is to build on what was already established and the only relationship (majority of the time) that will blossom out of  a one night stand is an FWB (friends with benefits).

How Do I Put This Nicely?...

When it comes to sex and relationships, honesty is the best policy but when you cant be tactfully truthful, how do you tell someone an ugly truth about themselves without losing them or ruining the moment?

Here is a list of the 5 most difficult things to tell your partner and some tactful/creative ways to break it to them :

.I.

PROBLEM: Your guy pulls out a large condom when he's better equipped for a "snug fit".
WRONG: "I don’t think you should use the large sized condom."
RIGHT: "Babe, I read something about these twisted pleasure, snug fit, ribbed, warming sensation condoms & i’d love to try them"

• Take out your own condom and find a sexy & creative way to put it on for him.
• Tell him, upfront, that you're worried about the condom coming off inside you because it should be a bit more snug.

Note: It is important to have a variety of your own condoms if you're single or dating so that you have a condom on hand that will fit your partner properly. (Refer to rule #8 of "10 Simple Rules" )

Most Planned Parenthoods have "variety packs" of condoms with a, well... variety of fits, flavors, etc. click the link to find a location near you Planned Parenthood Locator.

.II.

PROBLEM: Your partner has "B.O" (Body Odor).
WRONG: "You're really musty!"
RIGHT: Ok lets face it! There's no nice way to verbally tell someone they have b.o. but you can show & "nudge" them into figuring out what the problem is.

• Buy your partner a few items (body wash, deodorant, smell goods, etc), put it together in a basket & give it as a gift. (Include candles, flowers & other goodies they'd like, to soften the blow).
• If the problem seems to be deeper than hygiene & might be a health problem... casually bring up a fact you learned recently about body odor & underlying health issues, be sure to say you're getting tested & maybe its something you can do together.
• Bathe together & take note of how much effort they put into cleaning their genitals, feet & armpits, if they're neglecting those areas offer to help.
• If their lower regions are the issue, let them know that before engaging in oral sex you prefer to do it when they're fresh out of the shower.

Although these methods are kind of passive aggressive, they can help keep you in the clear romantically & keep your partner in "the clean" :)