“Confessions of a blogger… Movie review/Spoilers/Why Tyler Perry?"

Sweet southern girl swayed away from her Christian upbringing by the Devil disguised as a social media mogul, fast cars, cheating, HIV, secrets & Kim Kardashian in tight dresses with a bad attitude (and bad acting).

If for some odd reason, this doesn’t sound like your life, it’s because it’s no one’s life, it’s the plot of Tyler Perry’s latest movie: “Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor”. Shall we proceed?... Yes indeed!

Disclaimer:

1.  I am a “spiritual” “non-religious” sinner and I make fun of religion every chance I get, if you cant handle that…leave.

2.  I am going to dissect the shit out of this movie, if you cant handle that...leave.

Okay, now that it’s just the two of us, let’s dish.

40 Days & 40 Nights (Updated)

I AM GIVING UP SEX FOR LENT

*Pause for applause*

After talking to my best friend about lent. (She's giving up the love of her life: Mary Jane)
She asked what I was giving up for lent, I laughed, said "The same thing I gave up last year... nothing."
We shared a laugh, continued our conversation about everything else, eventually said Goodnight and hung up.

Fast forward a few hours, I'm obsessively watching the facebook page of "Big" after seeing him befriend yet another idiot stick figure with no soul who he's sleeping with, texting him that "we cant be friends anymore", because my feelings are hurt knowing I spent all of Saturday evening being overly affectionate with him & all of Sunday morning having sex with him in some random Harlem hotel. I spent the remainder of the evening responding, via text, to sexual advances & random flirtation from men whom I've either already had a sexual encounter or was well aware of their desire to have sex with me. 

I woke up this morning & in very dramatic fashion sent my best friend a text proclaiming:

"Sex. I'm giving up sex for lent. It just came to me, like a lightbulb went off in my head. I've been complaining about sex, being unfulfilled, feeling used & more. It makes perfect sense."

Her response: "Wow"

She knows me well, she knows that me giving up sex is pretty damn close to Christ being in the desert with no water.

How Do I Put This Nicely? Pt.II (Man Edition)

As you know... March is "Man Month" on Bitchy & Beautiful
So this edition of "How Do I Put This Nicely, is from the guys for the girls...

Here is a list of the 5 difficult things men want to tell women and some tactful/creative ways to break it to them: (With input from Bitchy & Beautiful Male Readers)

.I.

PROBLEM: You think she might've been a hoe in a former life.

WRONG: "You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife."

RIGHT: "I'd prefer not to dwell on your past, lets get tested & get it poppin."

Ok, I don’t know if people really say "get it poppin" like that anymore but if you only care that she has a clean bill of health; get tested together, wait out the window period & commence to fuckin.

Big Johnson says... “Everyone has a history! If u deal with people based on past acts you'd never meet anyone.”

Truth in Lies says:  “The only thing that I don't want to hear about a woman's sexual history is how good another man was.”

Case & Point ladies, have a convo with him, get to know him and if you have a "colorful past" like adventurous bloggers *clears throat* either tell him your "body count" upfront, or tactfully decline to answer the question. After all, every man wants you to fuck like a pornstar without having slept with more than one man. He'll get over it.

.II.

PROBLEM: You're not interested in her. 

WRONG: "You're wack!"

RIGHT: "Relationships & dating aren't at the top of my list of priorities."

(Girls) Regardless of how he says it... you've been dumped. (Read this: Dumped or this: Not into You)

(Guys) Don't expect her to read your mind, if you can't say it nicely but it needs to be said, say it, get it over with & accept that she will always tell her friends you had a small dick. (We don’t admit when we’ve been dumped.)

According to Roe E. the best ways to tell if a man isn't interested in you are:

• Doesn't want to spend time with her. 
• Doesn't ask how things are going in her life. 
• Doesn't show her affection like he used to. 
• Doesn't care about the problems going on in her life.

Honorable Mention: “If I'm not initiating contact, I'm not into her.”-Big Johnson

.III.

PROBLEM: You! (You and your ways are his problem)

WRONG: Indirect, snide remarks.

RIGHT: Say it like you mean it.

When asked: "What are some things you've wanted to say to women but didn't know how to say it nicely?"

Big Johnson said: "That I want some head and just some head"

The God 42 said: "You are a bum and why you still living at home and you go out clubbing and have mad kids. Get your priorities straight."

Roe E. said: "Wear less make-up. Be more natural. Don't follow trends. Be more original. Be comfortable with who you are. Be happy. Be healthy."

.IV.

PROBLEM: You think she might've been a hoe in a former life

WRONG: "Did you have sex with...?"

RIGHT: ...

(Girls) Now, I know I addressed this as number one, but there are men who want to know a number or at least a ballpark or if the amount of men you've slept with can fill a ballpark.

(Guys) I struggled coming up with a "right" way to ask a woman how many men she's slept with, so you're on your own... but thanks to Guy Code: Decoded, here's a little insight into how to ask & what number is an acceptable answer.

"Only an insecure man asks that question". -Big Johnson

"In all reality probably 8-10"- Truth in Lies

"3 to 5"- The God 42

"I would say the number should be somewhere between a handful and no more than 2-3 times the number of years that she has been begun puberty. For example if she’s begun puberty 10 years ago, 30 is probably a somewhat high number. But it's all circumstantial. Everybody goes through phases in their lives that may lead to higher promiscuity than average."- Roe E.

*Gotta love Roe E for the equation.

.V.

PROBLEM: You don't love her.

WRONG: "Bitch, I dont luh you."

RIGHT: "Wow, I'm flattered that you feel that way, but I'm not ready to reciprocate that."

(Guys) Guard your faces, groin, car & anything else you value because if she doesn't burst into tears, she's going to break everything you do love.

This is another one of those things you need to tell someone that you just cant say in a "nice" way. If you don't love a woman... DO NOT tell her you love her. You're just setting yourself up for a lot of shit you cant handle in the long run. Nip that bitch in the bud.

(Girls) Don’t ask a million questions, wipe your tears & decide what you’re going to do. Do you want to stay with him, or do you want to leave?

You know the drill: SOUND OFF! Whose opinions do you agree with? Which contributor do you think is a complete idiot? I'd like to know if you can guess the relationship status of each contributor. Did I leave anything out? Ladies, what would you want to hear? Fellas? What are your thoughts? Comment. Subscribe & Share.

The Single Girl's Guide to Surviving Valentine's Day

Here you are, on February 14th without a man, woman or love to call your own & little to no hope that you wont die of heartbreak today.

Fear not! Valentine's Day is a day for love... so start by loving yourself! <Bullshit! I know!

If you find yourself dateless on V-Day, here's a list of things sure to make February 14th quite memorable.

I.

Have a "Waiting to Exhale", anti-Valentines day get together with your single girlfriends.

Order a bunch of She woman man hating movies on Netflix, Hulu, whatever you tech savvy people use.
Pour up lots of wine (or cocktails).

Have a "ritual" and destroy anything that reminds all of you of your ex-boyfriends.
or plan ahead, pick a theme & have your friends play along.

II.

Go solo!

Would you rather spend Valentine's day with that mistake you dated for 6 months before you realized he was a pathological liar OR would you prefer a romantic & relaxing night alone?

Ok, I know some of you are thinking... "I'd prefer my mistake of an ex boyfriend if only for today." but if you're not that girl...

Clean up your place, run a hot bath, pour some wine/champagne, your favorite mood setting tunes & treat yourself to a memorable night.

III.

Go out!

Not every venue in your city is serving tapas. (Dishes meant for sharing).
Hit Google, Bing(search engine of your choosing) & find some events meant for singles.
Not only will you meet some new people but if there are men there... they're guaranteed to be single (What guy is out without his girl on Valentines Day?)
Do something you wouldn't normally do... go bowling, visit a museum, stage play/musical, aquarium, karaoke, or a foreign film.

Scandal: Why Women Hate to Love to Hate Olivia Pope

Its 10pm on a Thursday night and if you have a pulse, you're watching ABC's Scandal.

I'm not here to discuss why the show is amazing. I'm here to address why people love and hate Olivia Pope.

Ok, here's an overview of the show. Olivia Pope, played by Kerry Washington (loosely based on a real person: Judy Smith) is an African American woman and crisis management professional based in Washington D.C, she is a political advisor, confidant to & mistress of caucasian President Fitzgerald "Fitz" Grant (long story short, watch the damn show).

Now, if you're still reading this, you might be thinking... "Why don't people like Olivia?", if you watch the show, you might be thinking... "Why don't people like Olivia?", if you're a woman married to or in a relationship with a man who has a wandering eye, or a man who happens to slip and fall into the vaginas of other women, you might be thinking... "I cant stand that bitch!"

He's Just Not That Into You!

Yes, its been done before... its the premise of 75% of our favorite romantic comedies, Hell, its the name of one of our favorite ensemble cast romantic comedies. So why am I talking about it now?... because women (myself included) dont get the freaking point!

"HES JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!"

Six words, perfectly aligned with something every woman claims she wants... Honesty!

So why is it so hard for us (once again...myself included) to accept?

We all know that there are a million reasons why we wont accept rejection and a million different cliche's that we attach to such phrases in relationships but, we're not here for that because men dont think that way. A man is "either into you or not", plain and simple. So here are 3 ways to tell...

He's Just Not That Into You:

ONE: He doesn't call you!

We all make excuses in this technological era for the lack of verbal communication with one another but at the end of the day, every single phone has a "call" option. What every phone doesn't have are apps, video, photo & internet capability.

Why: If a man isn't calling you, he is relying solely upon the convenience of sending text messages. If a man won't change what he's "used to doing" while he's getting to know you, he won't change much once he's gotten to know you.

Ride or Die Chick

As a 26 year old, Black woman from the Bronx, the phrase "Ride or Die Chick" is one I am all too familiar with.

If you're not someone who is familiar or engulfed in Hip Hop culture, allow me to school you really quick. (Feel free to take notes).

The phrase "Ride or Die Chick" (also known as a "Down Ass Bitch"-thanks Ja Rule) was coined by 1990's hip-hop crew The Ruff Ryders, spearheaded by rapper DMX. A "Ride or Die Chick" is a woman who sticks with her man through all circumstances, she's his biggest fan when he's doing well and she's his confidant when he's down and out. A "Ride or Die Chick" will commit a crime with/for you, bail you out of jail, write your resume, get into physical altercations with you as well as on your behalf. A "Ride or Die Chick" is the modern day Bonnie to your Clyde. (Think of every rap song with an R&B singer in between 1990-forever)

The "Ride or Die Chick" ideology is not exclusive to urban culture. Here are a list of women who one might consider a "Ride or Die Chick":

• Hillary Clinton (because Bill did have sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky)
• Tasheera Simmons (Ex-wife of rapper DMX)
• Vanessa Bryant (she didn't have to be with Kobe shooting in the gym)
• Olivia Pope (If you watch Scandal, I dont have to tell you why, if you dont watch Scandal...you're the only one.)

I digress. In many cultures the "Ride or Die Chick" is glorified. (Check out the definition according to UrbanDictionary.com). 

The One Who Got Away...

"What if the one that got away came back?"

Now, I know I'm not the only woman who has been told she was the "one who got away".

I cant help but wonder, what exactly does that mean?

As a man, if your car goes rolling down a hill, do you not at least chase after it?

If your favorite team is playing in a double header, do you not bother to watch it on whatever channel it comes on?

I know that phrase is supposed to be meant as a "compliment", it says, "If I were ready for you, you'd be my girlfriend, wife, life partner, etc." but when does the 'one who got away' stop slipping through the fingers of the unprepared, young man?

Or... Is it an excuse? Does it really mean, "You're great & all but I dont wanna have to grow up right now so I'll take my chances & let you go."?

What in your life do you desire and cherish enough to make sure it never gets away from you? and if the woman you love is "the one who got away"... why are you letting her get away?

And... "What if the one that got away came back?"... Would you be ready for her then?... Would you let her get away again?

"Drop It!"

EXTRA EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT! A MAN HAS ASKED A WOMAN TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY!

"Just drop it!"

A phrase that will come out of a man's mouth more than his own name.

Weird how men never ask women to "drop" dinner, the kids, letting you play Madden & COD or that kinky thing she does that makes your toes curl.
If I drop it... Who will pick it up? Will it magically disappear if I overlook it long enough?
Do you only want me to care when you feel like caring?
Do I simply start looking for someone who appreciates the fact that I'm so passionate?


Why must I "drop" it when it comes to what I feel & how what you do affects me?

Oh wait... I should probably "drop" that too.

What do people mean when they ask you to "drop" something?
Do you want me not to care?
Should I show you just how much your routine changes when I "drop" it & stop caring?
or...
You love my dedication & passion in every other aspect of our life together but when I speak... you dont want to listen.

(Carrie Bradshaw moment) I cant help but wonder... If i spend enough time pretending not to give a fuck... will I really start to not give a fuck?

Sound off: How do you know when you're compromising & when your feelings are being disregarded? What do you do? Shut the fuck up or move the fuck on?

The Break-Up 101: How to "Save Face"

So… You met, you fell in love, spent a few weeks, months, years on cloud 9 and then you crashed and burned… Now what?

Here are the do's and dont's after you and your precious sugar pie, honey bunch, babycakes break up.

SAVE: Save his phone number under the reason you feel you broke up, everytime he calls, texts or you go to call or text him, you’ll have a constant reminder of why you have NOTHING to talk about.

i.e. Jason Banks=Cheated with 3 girls. Mark Young=Stubborn, Selfish, Dishonest. Kevin Finch=Online Affairs/Internet Addiction.

FACE: DO NOT change your physical appearance.

Yes, a makeover might sound like a great idea, “A new start” but if you get a tattoo or cut your hair, you’ll always associate that new look with your break-up.

Bedside Manner: How To Have A One Night Stand

A friend of mine said she was going to have a one night stand but she wanted to do it just to say she did it. Now, I'm all for sexual liberation but when you're doing something sexually for the wrong reasons, there isn't quite as much gratification as when you do it because it turns you on. Either way, here is how to have a one night stand & walk away with your dignity intact.

DISCLAIMER: IT IS MY PERSONAL OPINION THAT NO WOMAN UNDER THE AGE OF 23 SHOULD HAVE A ONE NIGHT STAND. ALL WOMEN SHOULD USE PROTECTION DURING ALL SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS.

1. DO NOT choose to have a one night stand with someone you have any kind of relationship with (i.e. ex boyfriend, friend of a friend, co-worker, etc).
Why?: Because the thrill of a one night stand lies in the fact that you'll (potentially) never see this person again... sleeping with an ex opens old wounds and a co-worker makes for some very awkward Monday morning meetings. Go somewhere that isn't in your usual list of places to hang out, chat with, pick up a hottie and make your way to your location.

2. DO NOT bring him to your house. Either go to a hotel or go to his place.
Why?: If you're not the girl who is comfortable kicking a guy out after sex, letting him come to your place is just asking for a sleepover which can get really weird, really fast. If you go to his place or a hotel, it'll blow his mind when you're all done and all gone.

3. DO NOT exchange phone numbers, BBM's, email addresses, etc!!!
Why?: You had casual, meaningless sex... What the hell is there to talk or text about? The only reason to keep open the lines of communication is to build on what was already established and the only relationship (majority of the time) that will blossom out of  a one night stand is an FWB (friends with benefits).

How Do I Put This Nicely?...

When it comes to sex and relationships, honesty is the best policy but when you cant be tactfully truthful, how do you tell someone an ugly truth about themselves without losing them or ruining the moment?

Here is a list of the 5 most difficult things to tell your partner and some tactful/creative ways to break it to them :

.I.

PROBLEM: Your guy pulls out a large condom when he's better equipped for a "snug fit".
WRONG: "I don’t think you should use the large sized condom."
RIGHT: "Babe, I read something about these twisted pleasure, snug fit, ribbed, warming sensation condoms & i’d love to try them"

• Take out your own condom and find a sexy & creative way to put it on for him.
• Tell him, upfront, that you're worried about the condom coming off inside you because it should be a bit more snug.

Note: It is important to have a variety of your own condoms if you're single or dating so that you have a condom on hand that will fit your partner properly. (Refer to rule #8 of "10 Simple Rules" )

Most Planned Parenthoods have "variety packs" of condoms with a, well... variety of fits, flavors, etc. click the link to find a location near you Planned Parenthood Locator.

.II.

PROBLEM: Your partner has "B.O" (Body Odor).
WRONG: "You're really musty!"
RIGHT: Ok lets face it! There's no nice way to verbally tell someone they have b.o. but you can show & "nudge" them into figuring out what the problem is.

• Buy your partner a few items (body wash, deodorant, smell goods, etc), put it together in a basket & give it as a gift. (Include candles, flowers & other goodies they'd like, to soften the blow).
• If the problem seems to be deeper than hygiene & might be a health problem... casually bring up a fact you learned recently about body odor & underlying health issues, be sure to say you're getting tested & maybe its something you can do together.
• Bathe together & take note of how much effort they put into cleaning their genitals, feet & armpits, if they're neglecting those areas offer to help.
• If their lower regions are the issue, let them know that before engaging in oral sex you prefer to do it when they're fresh out of the shower.

Although these methods are kind of passive aggressive, they can help keep you in the clear romantically & keep your partner in "the clean" :)

Who You Lovin'? Who You Wanna Be Huggin'?

Ladies... how do you feel about the theory that if a man isnt all you want him to be its because the men you pick are a direct reflection of how you view yourself? 

I ask because I've been picking men who wont love me, only want sex & wont give me 100% of themselves. I'd say they are a depiction of where i am in my life right now, i dont love myself 100% & all i talk about is sex, so i get what i speak into existence.

Just how applicable are the laws of attraction to real life attractions between two people?

Good Guy/Bad Guy=Your Guy