40 Days & 40 Nights (Updated)

I AM GIVING UP SEX FOR LENT

*Pause for applause*

After talking to my best friend about lent. (She's giving up the love of her life: Mary Jane)
She asked what I was giving up for lent, I laughed, said "The same thing I gave up last year... nothing."
We shared a laugh, continued our conversation about everything else, eventually said Goodnight and hung up.

Fast forward a few hours, I'm obsessively watching the facebook page of "Big" after seeing him befriend yet another idiot stick figure with no soul who he's sleeping with, texting him that "we cant be friends anymore", because my feelings are hurt knowing I spent all of Saturday evening being overly affectionate with him & all of Sunday morning having sex with him in some random Harlem hotel. I spent the remainder of the evening responding, via text, to sexual advances & random flirtation from men whom I've either already had a sexual encounter or was well aware of their desire to have sex with me. 

I woke up this morning & in very dramatic fashion sent my best friend a text proclaiming:

"Sex. I'm giving up sex for lent. It just came to me, like a lightbulb went off in my head. I've been complaining about sex, being unfulfilled, feeling used & more. It makes perfect sense."

Her response: "Wow"

She knows me well, she knows that me giving up sex is pretty damn close to Christ being in the desert with no water.

Guy Code: Decoded

I need male perspective for a post I'm working on for Bitchy & Beautiful.
If you are a single, dating, engaged or married man interested in answering between 7-10 questions about your experiences in love & dating... email 20somethingsocialgirls@gmail.com :)
Thanks in advance!

(Note: All participants will be kept confidential)

He's Just Not That Into You!

Yes, its been done before... its the premise of 75% of our favorite romantic comedies, Hell, its the name of one of our favorite ensemble cast romantic comedies. So why am I talking about it now?... because women (myself included) dont get the freaking point!

"HES JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!"

Six words, perfectly aligned with something every woman claims she wants... Honesty!

So why is it so hard for us (once again...myself included) to accept?

We all know that there are a million reasons why we wont accept rejection and a million different cliche's that we attach to such phrases in relationships but, we're not here for that because men dont think that way. A man is "either into you or not", plain and simple. So here are 3 ways to tell...

He's Just Not That Into You:

ONE: He doesn't call you!

We all make excuses in this technological era for the lack of verbal communication with one another but at the end of the day, every single phone has a "call" option. What every phone doesn't have are apps, video, photo & internet capability.

Why: If a man isn't calling you, he is relying solely upon the convenience of sending text messages. If a man won't change what he's "used to doing" while he's getting to know you, he won't change much once he's gotten to know you.

Ride or Die Chick

As a 26 year old, Black woman from the Bronx, the phrase "Ride or Die Chick" is one I am all too familiar with.

If you're not someone who is familiar or engulfed in Hip Hop culture, allow me to school you really quick. (Feel free to take notes).

The phrase "Ride or Die Chick" (also known as a "Down Ass Bitch"-thanks Ja Rule) was coined by 1990's hip-hop crew The Ruff Ryders, spearheaded by rapper DMX. A "Ride or Die Chick" is a woman who sticks with her man through all circumstances, she's his biggest fan when he's doing well and she's his confidant when he's down and out. A "Ride or Die Chick" will commit a crime with/for you, bail you out of jail, write your resume, get into physical altercations with you as well as on your behalf. A "Ride or Die Chick" is the modern day Bonnie to your Clyde. (Think of every rap song with an R&B singer in between 1990-forever)

The "Ride or Die Chick" ideology is not exclusive to urban culture. Here are a list of women who one might consider a "Ride or Die Chick":

• Hillary Clinton (because Bill did have sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky)
• Tasheera Simmons (Ex-wife of rapper DMX)
• Vanessa Bryant (she didn't have to be with Kobe shooting in the gym)
• Olivia Pope (If you watch Scandal, I dont have to tell you why, if you dont watch Scandal...you're the only one.)

I digress. In many cultures the "Ride or Die Chick" is glorified. (Check out the definition according to UrbanDictionary.com). 

The One Who Got Away...

"What if the one that got away came back?"

Now, I know I'm not the only woman who has been told she was the "one who got away".

I cant help but wonder, what exactly does that mean?

As a man, if your car goes rolling down a hill, do you not at least chase after it?

If your favorite team is playing in a double header, do you not bother to watch it on whatever channel it comes on?

I know that phrase is supposed to be meant as a "compliment", it says, "If I were ready for you, you'd be my girlfriend, wife, life partner, etc." but when does the 'one who got away' stop slipping through the fingers of the unprepared, young man?

Or... Is it an excuse? Does it really mean, "You're great & all but I dont wanna have to grow up right now so I'll take my chances & let you go."?

What in your life do you desire and cherish enough to make sure it never gets away from you? and if the woman you love is "the one who got away"... why are you letting her get away?

And... "What if the one that got away came back?"... Would you be ready for her then?... Would you let her get away again?

"Drop It!"

EXTRA EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT! A MAN HAS ASKED A WOMAN TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY!

"Just drop it!"

A phrase that will come out of a man's mouth more than his own name.

Weird how men never ask women to "drop" dinner, the kids, letting you play Madden & COD or that kinky thing she does that makes your toes curl.
If I drop it... Who will pick it up? Will it magically disappear if I overlook it long enough?
Do you only want me to care when you feel like caring?
Do I simply start looking for someone who appreciates the fact that I'm so passionate?


Why must I "drop" it when it comes to what I feel & how what you do affects me?

Oh wait... I should probably "drop" that too.

What do people mean when they ask you to "drop" something?
Do you want me not to care?
Should I show you just how much your routine changes when I "drop" it & stop caring?
or...
You love my dedication & passion in every other aspect of our life together but when I speak... you dont want to listen.

(Carrie Bradshaw moment) I cant help but wonder... If i spend enough time pretending not to give a fuck... will I really start to not give a fuck?

Sound off: How do you know when you're compromising & when your feelings are being disregarded? What do you do? Shut the fuck up or move the fuck on?

Whats Your Number? Pt. I

So you're lying in bed with your significant other after months of bliss & (s)he asks... "How many people have you slept with?"

What do you say?
How do you answer?
The real question is... Do you share such an intimate detail of your life?

Well... in case you dont know me, I am all about honesty! But we'll get back to that ;)

According to folklore you have to multiply the number a woman tells you by 4.

But... what if she's honest with you? What if she's been with more men than you've been with women?

When women sleep with a lot of men, they're called sluts! When men sleep with a lot of men, they're called "experienced", "romantic" & "good kissers". Why the double standard?

Men want their woman to be their whore, mother, wife, friend, teacher & everything else!...
How can she cook you a good meal if she's never been in the kitchen?...

Subscribe & follow my "What's Your Number?" series to find out how to answer the scariest question your partner could ask.

The Break-Up 101: How to "Save Face"

So… You met, you fell in love, spent a few weeks, months, years on cloud 9 and then you crashed and burned… Now what?

Here are the do's and dont's after you and your precious sugar pie, honey bunch, babycakes break up.

SAVE: Save his phone number under the reason you feel you broke up, everytime he calls, texts or you go to call or text him, you’ll have a constant reminder of why you have NOTHING to talk about.

i.e. Jason Banks=Cheated with 3 girls. Mark Young=Stubborn, Selfish, Dishonest. Kevin Finch=Online Affairs/Internet Addiction.

FACE: DO NOT change your physical appearance.

Yes, a makeover might sound like a great idea, “A new start” but if you get a tattoo or cut your hair, you’ll always associate that new look with your break-up.

Bedside Manner: How To Have A One Night Stand

A friend of mine said she was going to have a one night stand but she wanted to do it just to say she did it. Now, I'm all for sexual liberation but when you're doing something sexually for the wrong reasons, there isn't quite as much gratification as when you do it because it turns you on. Either way, here is how to have a one night stand & walk away with your dignity intact.

DISCLAIMER: IT IS MY PERSONAL OPINION THAT NO WOMAN UNDER THE AGE OF 23 SHOULD HAVE A ONE NIGHT STAND. ALL WOMEN SHOULD USE PROTECTION DURING ALL SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS.

1. DO NOT choose to have a one night stand with someone you have any kind of relationship with (i.e. ex boyfriend, friend of a friend, co-worker, etc).
Why?: Because the thrill of a one night stand lies in the fact that you'll (potentially) never see this person again... sleeping with an ex opens old wounds and a co-worker makes for some very awkward Monday morning meetings. Go somewhere that isn't in your usual list of places to hang out, chat with, pick up a hottie and make your way to your location.

2. DO NOT bring him to your house. Either go to a hotel or go to his place.
Why?: If you're not the girl who is comfortable kicking a guy out after sex, letting him come to your place is just asking for a sleepover which can get really weird, really fast. If you go to his place or a hotel, it'll blow his mind when you're all done and all gone.

3. DO NOT exchange phone numbers, BBM's, email addresses, etc!!!
Why?: You had casual, meaningless sex... What the hell is there to talk or text about? The only reason to keep open the lines of communication is to build on what was already established and the only relationship (majority of the time) that will blossom out of  a one night stand is an FWB (friends with benefits).

How Do I Put This Nicely?...

When it comes to sex and relationships, honesty is the best policy but when you cant be tactfully truthful, how do you tell someone an ugly truth about themselves without losing them or ruining the moment?

Here is a list of the 5 most difficult things to tell your partner and some tactful/creative ways to break it to them :

.I.

PROBLEM: Your guy pulls out a large condom when he's better equipped for a "snug fit".
WRONG: "I don’t think you should use the large sized condom."
RIGHT: "Babe, I read something about these twisted pleasure, snug fit, ribbed, warming sensation condoms & i’d love to try them"

• Take out your own condom and find a sexy & creative way to put it on for him.
• Tell him, upfront, that you're worried about the condom coming off inside you because it should be a bit more snug.

Note: It is important to have a variety of your own condoms if you're single or dating so that you have a condom on hand that will fit your partner properly. (Refer to rule #8 of "10 Simple Rules" )

Most Planned Parenthoods have "variety packs" of condoms with a, well... variety of fits, flavors, etc. click the link to find a location near you Planned Parenthood Locator.

.II.

PROBLEM: Your partner has "B.O" (Body Odor).
WRONG: "You're really musty!"
RIGHT: Ok lets face it! There's no nice way to verbally tell someone they have b.o. but you can show & "nudge" them into figuring out what the problem is.

• Buy your partner a few items (body wash, deodorant, smell goods, etc), put it together in a basket & give it as a gift. (Include candles, flowers & other goodies they'd like, to soften the blow).
• If the problem seems to be deeper than hygiene & might be a health problem... casually bring up a fact you learned recently about body odor & underlying health issues, be sure to say you're getting tested & maybe its something you can do together.
• Bathe together & take note of how much effort they put into cleaning their genitals, feet & armpits, if they're neglecting those areas offer to help.
• If their lower regions are the issue, let them know that before engaging in oral sex you prefer to do it when they're fresh out of the shower.

Although these methods are kind of passive aggressive, they can help keep you in the clear romantically & keep your partner in "the clean" :)